Mental Health: Turtles All The Way Down

On Friday, October 20th, I had the pleasure of attending a book reading by John Green, as part of his press tour for Turtles All the Way Down. It was not a typical book signing--in addition to reading passages, his brother Hank performed several songs (he sings about science! and the certainty of death!) and they did a Q & A bit together that was really fun. I was not the youngest, nor oldest, nor nerdiest of the audience members, but the beauty of this crowd was that everyone belonged.

Included in the ticket price was a copy of Turtles All the Way Down,  which I read very quickly in the following days. The narrator is a teenager named Aza who suffers from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Most of us know what this is--people wash their hands and check the stove a billion times before they leave the house, right? Not so much. Green shows us the reality of OCD in a way that is eye-opening and, at times, upsetting. As I learned at the event, Green also suffers from OCD and therefore seems to be a pretty good source on the subject.

Aza's obsession revolves around a fear of contracting a serious but very rare disease call C.diff. She compulsively reads the Wikipedia page about it (linked above) and sanitizes her hand constantly, which escalates to the point that she actually starts drinking hand sanitizer to kill bacteria in her mouth. She describes her illness as "a brain fire. Like a rodent gnawing at you from the inside. A knife in your gut. A spiral. Whirlpool. Black hole. [...] Maybe we invented metaphor as a response to pain. Maybe we needed to give shape to the opaque, deep-down pain that evades both sense and senses" (231).

Her obsessive thoughts make her feel like she is not her own person, that she has no agency in her own life. It makes it difficult for her to maintain friendships or have a boyfriend. Despite her despair, Aza has a dry sense of humor about it: "I could never become a functioning grown-up like this; it was inconceivable that I'd ever have a career. In job interviews they'd ask me, What's your greatest weakness? and I'd explain that I'll probably spend a good portion of the workday terrorized by thoughts I'm forced to think, possessed by a nameless and formless demon, so if that's going to be an issue, you might not want to hire me" (227). Her nonchalance is humorous, but the sentiment behind it is tragic.

In my ten years as a teacher, I have seen a sharp rise of students suffering from mental illnesses--specifically anxiety disorders. Whether this rise is real, or only perceived because we understand and recognize it more, is up for debate. But it is a serious issue that educators and parents are facing.

My first roommate in college had bi-polar depression, which she was not treating at the time, and I remember getting so angry with her because I didn't understand why she couldn't just pull herself together. Most days, she literally couldn't get out a bed...but when she did, she was vibrant, chipper, and so fun. It was a difficult thing to wrestle with as an 18-year-old who had never really heard about any mental illnesses before.

While mental illness is still stigmatized, it is getting a lot more attention now than it was twenty years ago. My school district provides periodic training on how to support students suffering from anxiety and depression; OCD is rarer, and I suppose that's one reason we don't hear about it as much. As far as I know, I've never had a student who suffered from it. After reading this book, I do feel much more informed and sensitive though. I realize how common it has become to use the disorder hyperbolically, as in "I'm so OCD about cleaning my bathroom" or something like that. I'll certainly never say that again, because I realize now what a devastating illness it can be.

During the book reading, Green emphasized that, in the midst of a mental health crisis, it can seem like you'll never find the right treatment, the right medication, the right therapist--but most people can get better. I got the impression that it has been five years since his last book because he has been fighting for his own health, but he seems well now and this book is a masterpiece--better, I think, than A Fault in Our Stars.

I will end this post with one final quote: "If you need mental health services in the United States, please call the SAMHSA treatment referral helpline: 1-877-SAMHSA7. It can be a long and difficult road, but mental illness is treatable. There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't" (288).