Motherhood: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother was a controversial and popular book when it was published in 2011, but I never got around to reading it until now. The author, Amy Chua, is a self-proclaimed "Chinese mother" and seeks to examine why Asian children are often so much more accomplished in academics and music than their peers.

Some people might be uncomfortable about the generalizations and stereotypes that comprise much of Chua's analysis of parenthood. She claims that Chinese parents are strict and uncompromising, while Western parents are coddling and permissive. She goes on to say that Chinese parenting in America is more difficult because the general culture does not support the no-excuses, always-respect-your-elders values that are at the heart of Chinese parenting.

Many of Chua's tactics are alarming to Western readers. In addition to earning straight-A's, she expected her daughters to practice their musical instruments for hours every day, often "motivating" them by using words such as disgrace, worthless, and garbage. She even made them practice every day while on vacation, often missing out on tourist attractions because they were traipsing around foreign cities looking for a piano to practice on. However, the results of her approach are obvious: her oldest daughter performed at Carnegie Hall at the age of sixteen.

What seems to start off as an uncompromising defense of "Chinese parenting" ends in an unexpected way, with Chua admitting that her method doesn't work for every child. I was also surprised by how humorous and self-deprecating she can be; she knows she's a little crazy, but she just can't help herself. And while I'm not about to start making my preschooler practice violin for five hours a day, there were a few ideas that resonated with me.

Chua maintains that her high expectations come from a place of pride and confidence in her children's abilities. She writes on her website: "It’s about believing in your child more than anyone else – more than they believe in themselves – and helping them realize their potential, whatever it may be." 

Keep that philosophy in mind as you listen to this next anecdote. One year, Chua did something no Western mother would ever do: she gave her young daughters their homemade cards back because they weren't good enough. While this seems horrific at first, she did it to make a point. Mother's Day is about honoring all that your mother does for you, and Chua did a lot for her kids. For them to hastily scribble on some construction paper the morning of the holiday was insulting. Why shouldn't we expect children to be grateful and thoughtful?

Western parents often ask Chua whether her parenting style is actually for her kids, or herself:

My answer, I'm pretty sure, is that everything I do is unequivocally 100% for my daughters. My main evidence is that so much of what I do with Sophia and Lulu is miserable, exhausting, and not remotely fun for me. [...] Sometimes I wake up in the morning dreading what I have to do and thinking how easy it would be to say, "Sure Lulu, we can skip a day of violin practice." Unlike my Western friends, I can never say, "As much as it kills me, I  just have to let my kids make their choices and follow their hearts. It's the hardest thing in the world, but I'm doing my best to hold back." Then they get to have a glass of wine and go to a yoga class, whereas I have to stay home and scream and have my kids hate me. (148)

And that's the other key difference in the Chinese and Western models: the parent's role. Despite a demanding professorship at Yale Law School, Chua seemingly spent hours every day helping her daughters practice. She spent large sums of money on their music instructors because, as she sees it, there is nothing better to invest in than your children. She micro-managed her children's lives out of love and dedication.

I am definitely a Western parent. I want my children to have magical, carefree childhoods, and I want them to pursue their passions. However, I can see from Chua's example that kids are capable of much more than we give them credit for. If they truly work hard and still aren't "the best," I won't fault them, but I think many Western parents let their kids off too easily, and don't actually demand that they work hard. Study after study shows that parents who are involved at school have children with better grades and fewer disciplinary issues. This isn't just about attending the PTA, but about being really involved in your child's life and never allowing them to give up or take the easy way out.

One of my favorite parts of the book is when Chua's youngest daughter didn't do the extra credit on a test because she thought she didn't need it. Chua berated her for this, explaining that the reason Asian students do so well in school is that they always, no matter what, do the extra credit. This is my mission--to teach my kids that "doing the extra credit" is a metaphor for how they should approach all of their goals in life. As they get older, I know that parenting will only get more challenging, so I hope I can channel my inner Tiger Mom when I need her!